Feeling the Hurt and Doing Hard Things

Share this post!

Wow, I can’t even. My heart has been hurting so much this year and it’s only June….

I haven’t posted a blog in 2.5 months simply because I haven’t had the words to put down. It’s been tough to process everything that’s happened in the world in 2020 and I will admit that I’ve had an equal amount of good days to bad. I have days where I feel so hopeful and inspired and days when I feel uncomfortable, sad and broken. It’s been the most intense emotional roller coaster I’ve ever ridden but I know that if I can navigate through this, it’ll be one of the most important awakenings of my life. I am already changed to the core and so far, I’m grateful for what I see.

I rode into 2020 on a lightening bolt!

My family was healthy and thriving, my energy levels stoked and on high, and I was building a brand and a career that I had only envisioned in my dreams! Except now, it was all happening in real life! I was making it all happen for myself with speaking engagements booked, important meetings in my calendar and more professional momentum than I have ever had the opportunity to enjoy.

I – was – killing it!

But that all took a sharp left turn when Covid-19 hit.

This pandemic smacked me right in the face and instilled more fear, worry, sadness and depression than I’ve ever felt inside. The first month was unbelievable and to be honest, I don’t really remember much of it because I spent most of those days drunk, sad and in complete disbelief. I grieved HARD for the things we all lost because of this and I’ve never struggled so much to remain positive and hopeful. It was a really tough, weird time for me and I hated having to do and accept all the hard things.

After 45 days in a pretty solid lockdown with my family, I needed some fresh air. I know it was taboo at the time so I didn’t post anything about it or tell many people, but I took a drive to visit my best friend Emma in Airdrie. She and her family had been on lockdown too and both Mike and I felt comfortable with the precautions they had been taking. We both knew I needed a break and there’s nothing better for my soul than time spent with my loved ones.

I spent two very relaxing nights in their home enjoying honest conversation around the campfire and letting my soul settle down.

Being able to take a break from cooking, cleaning and Type 1 Diabetes was a welcome reprieve for me so I soaked it all in. My best friends are excellent hosts and I could feel my body decompressing in ways that I hadn’t been able to do so at home. I could breathe and my mind started to clear, my heart started to heal and I found my way back to a grounded space.

On the 7 hour drive home from that visit, I listened to Glennon Doyle‘s book “Untamed”. I had never listened to an audio book before because I love to hold books and underline quotes and tag pages but I wanted to give it a shot and see if it was something I’d enjoy. I’m so happy I did! Her soft, soothing voice immediately had my attention and put me at ease for the drive. I identified with so many things she said and I loved the way she tells her stories.

Glennon is a beautiful writer and she inspired me in the moments when I needed it the most.

She also surprised me when she discussed her white privilege and how she has actively acknowledged it’s existence in her life. This was definitely the first time I’d seen a writer address this concept in such a bold, apologetic way and as I listened, I realized that I too haven’t given this enough thought or acknowledgement in my own life. But it commands attention and I am ready to listen, learn and support in whatever ways I can.

Black lives matter and while witnessing the revolution that is happening in our world right now, my heart is absolutely crushed that this could possibly be the world we live in. I cannot grasp the concept that our black friends and family still have to fight for equality in this world.

They are people.

They are humans.

They are part of what makes our world go round.

Their life matters.

The fact that this kind of hatred, oppression and fear is still present in our world is absolutely fucking heart-breaking and soul-shattering….. Seriously people, get it together!

I am not pretending to be as educated as I should be on this topic and typically, I wouldn’t speak out about such polarizing issues (because I have learned in sales that sometimes being opinionated can bite you in the ass) but I need to make it crystal clear that equality will always deserve my voice.

BLACK LIVES MATTER and to anyone who has experienced racial injustice in your life – I see you, you have my heart and my attention.

So where am I landing after writing this intense blog post today? My first public thoughts on the craziness of 2020? Well, I’m doing okay.

All I can say is that I know I have choices in how I handle everything that’s going on and I know that it’s within my power to get through this. I know who I am, what kind of person I want to be and what kind of life I want to lead. I am committed to showing up for myself, my family and what I believe in every – damn –  day which sometimes means feeling the hard feelings and doing the hard things. (Thanks Glennon ~ xo)

My friends, I hope you’re doing okay too.

Always know that you are not alone and the more we communicate, the more we can help each other through. We’re all doing hard things right now but I 100% believe that our world is about to become a radically better place and we’re on the precipice of something more beautiful than we know.

I see you and I love you.


Share this post!